Fear Management

It's 11:34 PM. I am an in-bed-by-10 kind of girl and I found myself lying awake wondering, "What if I do nothing with my time as an unemployed person?" How many calories am I burning just thinking about this? Enough to offset that last glass of wine, I'm willing to bet...

I have all of these ideas of Things To Do When There's Nothing Else To Do*:

• Wash the windows.
• Write a book.
• Organize the linen closet.
• Write a chapter.
  
• Visit family.
• Write an outline.
• Run a half marathon.
• Start a blog.

* "Nothing else to do" does not include napping, looking for jobs, stalking people on Facebook, or midday drinking.

So. I laid in bed tonight with all of these thoughts running through my head, as they have over hundreds of training miles in the last few months. What is stopping me from writing all of it down?

Fear.

Let me be more specific. I am not afraid of what will happen if I don't wash the windows (because I already did, only to have it rain. Life goes on.). I am afraid that if I write a book/chapter/outline about my life and why it "matters," no one will read it. Worse than that? People will read it and not like it. My life's work (literally) will be a failure.

But worse than that? I am terrified of NOT writing it. Of not trying at all.

My book, a memoir. That's the main idea. I think about it all the time. What would I call such-and-such chapter? How would I characterize my fear during the accident, during the ultimatum-before-engagement period, leaving the nest? I have so many common experiences that others face that I can bring with a fresh eye and a witty perspective. At least I hope I can.

It's time to write it down and see if anyone cares or relates or notices. Because as I've learned, those experiences that are the scariest are the ones that are most rewarding -- and burn the most calories.