Haiku

Training is hard work.
My body is strong, yet tired.
Please get me some food.

Day of Rest - Take 2

Tomorrow is a prescribed day of rest and I can't wait! This week was supposedly a "light week" in terms of workouts -- relative to what next week will be. I had guests in town and could not participate in the 56-mile bike ride on Sunday, and I chose to do a 40-mile bike ride on Monday instead of the grueling swim workout that was on the schedule. Other than that, I did as well as or more than what was planned: Tuesday morning yoga + 5.5 mile track workout (in the pouring rain) that was H.A.R.D. Wednesday swim workout that was a welcome change because it didn't require my body hold its own weight. I was sooooo sore from Tuesday I could hardly get out of bed, get onto or off of the toilet, into or out of my car, etc... It felt good to be semi-weightless in the water! I was proud of myself for completing the 1400-yard workout (and actually enjoying it). The "lunch ride" on Thursday was, for me, a 21-mile interval ride with lots of short, steep hills and little recovery. Today, a 3.5 mile run, my strength routine (Tracy Anderson), and a much-needed 90-minute massage. Ahhhhh...

Tomorrow is a day of rest. But I have seen what is on the calendar for the following 7 days and I am officially Scared. It is a week that is largely focusing on swimming, and that is clearly my weak link. I am nowhere near where I need to be to get through the drills and main sets of swimming in terms of my basic form. There are lots and lots of bricks -- swim + run, swim + bike, swim + strength., swim, swim, don't drown, swim. EEK! I'm scared that I won't be able to do the swim workouts well, and that mental defeat will play into my other sports. I'm scared that it will rain all week and I won't be able to get out on my bike or otherwise have to compromise myself. I'm scared I'll look for excuses to compromise myself because it's too hard.

So, I ran my measley 3.5 miles today and enjoyed my massage (probably a little too much). I am considering a yoga workout tomorrow, if we don't go skiing in Tahoe... but will otherwise relish the day off. That's a first for me, and a big win mentally as I enter a week that is sure to be full of a lot of mental failures.

Here's to progress!

F is for _ _ _ _

I don't know what to write about. I feel like every post should all be Profound, and that paralyzes me. So I don't write at all. I wonder, "Will they think I'm funny?" "Will they care at all?" "Will my punctuation be correct in this situation?"

And then I think, "Fuck them (whoever "they" are). This is my blog."

I won't let fear keep me from doing this. Because the reality is this: which is worse -- doing it and sucking, or not doing it at all?

So I'll just write and maybe there's a theme. Maybe there's a common thread. Maybe not.

I'll just write.

Day of Rest

A prescribed day of rest. This must be the day that most people look forward to. I've known since Wednesday that this would be a "day off," and yet it has plagued me since then (including today). In fact, for two days, I have planned to do my Tracy Anderson video AND go to the sauna as "active recovery." And yet, it's 10 PM and I have done none of these things. At this point, all I can do is say, "Oh well!"

Admittedly, I have not been feeling 100% lately: sore and achy in general, my right knee is bothering me, and I'm generally tired. So while I had planned to "over-achieve" today and do my toning workout and/or go to the sauna, it just didn't happen. In some secret society that my alter-ego is having, I'm rejoicing for the break. But for the rest of me, I'm trying not to stress about it (as I eat a piece of chocolate cake that pairs so well with my red wine).

A friend came over earlier this evening for a chat and I spoke of my "day off dilemma." Her first question was, "What are you afraid of?"

Don't get me started.

The Same, Only Different

"Oh yeah, I'm sure you're so stressed," says Greg tonight as I lean into him for a back rub. This is the guy who is working 1.5 jobs in 10+ hour days, trying to train for his racing season, and be a loving husband and doggy dad.

Well, it's not so much that I'm stressed in the way that he is stressed or the way that I used to be stressed going to my job, but it's not like I'm living the life of The Real Housewives of San Mateo County. I even surprised myself by saying as much (rather than reverting to my alter-ego PAM -- Passive Aggressive Molly):

I realize that I'm not doing what you're doing, but here's my new reality:

• I gave up what was familiar, comfortable, and "normal" to me in terms of everyday life and livelihood.
• I don't earn any of my own money or have spending money like I used to.
• I don't have the same level of stability as I've always had and been able to provide myself.
• I am in uncharted territory.

He did concede by saying, "Yeah, not having money is stressful." I guess I feel good about that level of empathy from him (we don't share money, so it isn't like I'm spending his earnings on my everyday whims), and maybe it's good that I'm getting to the bottom of the funk and grouchiness that I've had the past few weeks. I can only blame it on lack of sunshine for so long... 

I'm scared of being so far removed from Corporate America, where I was able to be a positive contributor, make friends, add value, make money, and LEARN. Maybe that's what I'm most scared of. I am afraid I'm getting dumber everyday that I spend more time with myself and not with smarter people. I learn by osmosis and my dog doesn't count. I'm scared no one will care what I'm saying and this idea will go nowhere.

There. I said it.

I'm scared. It makes my heart rate increase. It makes my breath shallow. It makes my muscles tense up. This is where body and mind meet. Psychosomatics. The body reacts to fear in a similar fashion as it does to physical work. The silver lining must be that we are burning calories when facing our fears! That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

As frightening as all this unknown business is, I'm still moving forward with my dream of getting away from a desk job I hate. I am scared and uncertain and grouchy, but it's better than the pit in my stomach that I got just thinking about going to work the next day. In fact, the best part of my day (especially Sunday) is knowing that I don't have to answer to anyone tomorrow.

I think I'll have another glass of wine. I've earned it!

Fair Weather Fitness

Super Bowl Sunday brought sunny skies to northern California, the first in a long time. After spending a cold and rainy Saturday in Folsom learning to swim more efficiently, Greg and I were anxious to take advantage of Sunday's sunshine. We headed out to Canada Road for a 30-mile bike ride. I have not seen Bicycle Sunday this busy in a LONG time. Ah, fair weather fitness.

Perhaps it wasn't just the sunny day. After all, there was a cold, strong wind that probably should have deterred many of these fair weather exercisers... Perhaps this was a pre-game calorie burn. Riding your bike for an hour at a reasonable pace will burn somewhere around 800 calories. According to the Calorie Control Council, the average armchair quarterback will consume 1200 calories and 50 grams of fat from snacking -- and that doesn’t even count any meals! Keep pedaling, guys!

Greg and I chose to run errands during the start of the game, avoiding traffic and crowds. One of these errands was stopping by the Gap to exchange a pair of pants for Greg. In looking through the stacks of pants, we could not find Greg's size -- 34x36, but I did come across several pair in size 44x32. Can you imagine a 44-inch waist and 32-inch inseam?! Now THAT is terrifying, and I'm pretty sure the guy wearing those pants enjoyed his fair share of chips, Velveeta, and little smokies during the game (and likely his share of indigestion later).

Back at home, we settled into the bean bag to watch the game on our DVR, and dined on jerk-spiced grilled shrimp with tropical salsa salad. Score one for eating healthy!

An Impostor's Question

Are you more afraid of...

Looking like a fool while swimming?

OR

Looking bad in a swimming suit?

This is what plagues me on this rainy Friday evening. I signed up for a swim clinic to improve my weakest triathlon link. I've known about this clinic for a few weeks now and have not been excited about it from the beginning. Sure, I know it's the right thing to do. I know I need it. I know that everyone else who has signed up is likely in the same boat, or one that at least looks similar. Hell, my husband signed up and "he's good at everything."

But then the reality happens. It's a 2-hour drive. It's an outdoor pool. It's going to be raining. I will be videotaped.

There are people out there who are TRUE triathletes. Not just people who complete a designated swim/bike/run to check it off the bucket list. These people live triathlons -- their workouts, their diets, their lifestyle. I am not one of these people. So maybe I've got a bit of the Impostor Syndrome going on here. I like to do triathlons for fun, for camaraderie with friends, a common thread with my husband, as motivation for my workouts (note: this motivation mainly lies in being able to eat and drink what I want -- and to look reasonable in a swimming suit). I'm competitive by nature, so I do them to compete with myself and get better each time, but I'm no die-hard. That's what I'm getting at.

So, as I continue my week-long commitment to no-carbs-except-red-wine diet on this Friday evening, I contemplate the fear that is before me. I am confident I won't be the worst swimmer, nor will I look the worst in my swimming suit. Even if I am, I have committed and I will finish the clinic and my training will benefit from it. That's what I keep telling myself.

Which do you fear more?