Have fun with your ego! This is what my yoga instructor told us last week as class began.
Everyone likely interprets this differently -- the idea of having fun with your ego. For me, I really latched onto it because I felt it was along the same vein as calorie-burning fears... I interpreted it as finding the edge of where you are comfortable and pushing that edge, going beyond your comfort level. Kind of like a practical joke on your ego, in the nicest possible way.
So go ahead, have fun with your ego! Why not? What have you got to lose??
Wait.
This is not a rhetorical question. What have you got to lose?
Your balance? Your reputation? Your idealized sense of self? There is not an answer to this question that is good enough to NOT TRY. This was my second yoga class and I found myself pushing harder through stretches and poses, only to fall out of them. I found myself trying a clown pose, one leg at a time. It went so well, I might just try both legs in tomorrow's class! I stopped looking around me to see how far the Asian lady over there could go or, *gasp* what the white guy in the front could do.
Applying the question to your everyday life is where the money is. For me, publishing this blog -- allowing it to be public -- would be having a bona fide party with my ego! I haven't done it yet...but I'm getting there. What I did do was take it to Tahoe. I skied moguls and through powder (a first for me) while my friends watched and waited for me. I knew I was the slowest, least experienced person among us and I didn't let it bother me. I went at my own pace and had fun with my ego by trying new things (like speed!) and subsequently falling on blue runs and watching little kids zoom past me.
Having fun with our egos is like an invitation to play. Children at play fall when running too fast or being tackled too hard, yet don't know it was too fast or too hard until it's over. That's the beauty in it. Children aren't worried what other people think and they're not thinking of themselves. They put themselves out there to see just how far/fast/hard they can go until they reach the limit. They adjust accordingly so that anything negative doesn't happen again. It has been said that we learn more from our mistakes than our successes, and having fun with our egos allows us to practice both.
I intend to use this metaphor similarly to how I calculate how many calories I've burned through my fear alone. It's always in the back of my mind and it pushes me to find the edge and step out of my comfort zone. Who cares what that Asian lady or the teenager on the ski lift thinks?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Ommmmmm
I took my first non-Bikram yoga class last week. I have long-believed that yoga isn't a "real" workout, so I thought that doing the Bikram version would make it feel more real because I'd be sweating. Well, that was true in a sense -- I certainly did sweat. But I didn't like doing the same thing each time and often feeling very light-headed while doing it. So, I gave yoga up for a few years.
What brought me back was looking at fit people's bodies in magazines and on TV and reading that the one common denominator for all of them is yoga. From Madonna to Olympic athletes to everyday triathletes, they all swear by yoga. I went to a class at 24 Hour Fitness and I was pleasantly surprised at how HARD it was. Within 10 minutes, I was sweating -- surprise! While I'd like to believe that I could outrun or out-bike any number of people in the class, I was humbled by their flexibility and mental stamina. I couldn't "quiet my mind chatter" as the instructor reminded us. I couldn't hold many of the poses as long, or as deeply.
I felt quite refreshed after the class (though, admittedly, I went for a run that afternoon to get in some "real" cardio). I was amazingly sore for two days, and I dare say I saw a little more definition in a few places. In a nutshell, there were quite a few calories burned that day, from the activity itself AND because I was doing something new (and a little scary). I've already added the class to my calendar each Tuesday to continue working on my practice.
What brought me back was looking at fit people's bodies in magazines and on TV and reading that the one common denominator for all of them is yoga. From Madonna to Olympic athletes to everyday triathletes, they all swear by yoga. I went to a class at 24 Hour Fitness and I was pleasantly surprised at how HARD it was. Within 10 minutes, I was sweating -- surprise! While I'd like to believe that I could outrun or out-bike any number of people in the class, I was humbled by their flexibility and mental stamina. I couldn't "quiet my mind chatter" as the instructor reminded us. I couldn't hold many of the poses as long, or as deeply.
I felt quite refreshed after the class (though, admittedly, I went for a run that afternoon to get in some "real" cardio). I was amazingly sore for two days, and I dare say I saw a little more definition in a few places. In a nutshell, there were quite a few calories burned that day, from the activity itself AND because I was doing something new (and a little scary). I've already added the class to my calendar each Tuesday to continue working on my practice.
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Last Straw
It's 9:30 AM and you'd think I just finished a double espresso with a Red Bull chaser. My leg is bouncing, my stomach is jittery, and I can hardly sit still to type this. But I don't drink coffee and it's too early for the only way I drink Red Bull (with vodka). I'm hyped up on pure adrenaline.
I just hit send on an email to a man I used to consider a best friend and who used to be my boss. I drafted the letter with input from a group of friends to address our boundaries in helping him and his wife deal with her alcoholism. For me, the letter was much more empowering than that. I didn't get the chance to write a formal letter of resignation when I left my job, so I was able to channel many of those emotions and frustrations into this situation and monologue.
Friday was the last straw on a large load that has been weighing this camel down. After spending all day Friday caring for his wife, cleaning blood stains out of the carpet, and keeping his son and dog out of harm's way, I hosted a meeting on Friday evening with close friends to plan an intervention for them both to get them the help they need. I then drove to his house to talk with him face-to-face about the reality I had walked in on that morning -- dog locked outside with gate open; kitchen cupboards open, exposing cleaning products; one-year-old boy playing in the dog food and water (and hopefully not the cleaning products); wife on the floor, nose bleeding from a fall she had taken. Even now, remembering that scene instills a fear I have felt few times in the past. Instincts kick in and your body switches into survival mode.
He told me I was selfish for being there. He was angry that I had woken the baby up. He then proceeded to multi-task while I was explaining everything to him -- trying to make him see the dire need for full-time, professional help. My anger was erupting. I left his house near midnight on Friday and spent the next two days exhausted.
On this Monday morning, having finally been able to say the things that needed said in a format where they don't dissolve into thin air, I now await his response with fear. I am afraid that he'll continue to belittle me, or worse -- that he'll want to get together to talk about it. I fear that he believes I have done something wrong. I mostly fear that I will continue to feel like this for even longer than the year it has been since he first showed me his true colors. I do not regret putting my thoughts and feelings onto paper and sending them to him. That fear turned to empowerment, and this new fear will as well. But only after it burns a few calories in the meantime.
I just hit send on an email to a man I used to consider a best friend and who used to be my boss. I drafted the letter with input from a group of friends to address our boundaries in helping him and his wife deal with her alcoholism. For me, the letter was much more empowering than that. I didn't get the chance to write a formal letter of resignation when I left my job, so I was able to channel many of those emotions and frustrations into this situation and monologue.
Friday was the last straw on a large load that has been weighing this camel down. After spending all day Friday caring for his wife, cleaning blood stains out of the carpet, and keeping his son and dog out of harm's way, I hosted a meeting on Friday evening with close friends to plan an intervention for them both to get them the help they need. I then drove to his house to talk with him face-to-face about the reality I had walked in on that morning -- dog locked outside with gate open; kitchen cupboards open, exposing cleaning products; one-year-old boy playing in the dog food and water (and hopefully not the cleaning products); wife on the floor, nose bleeding from a fall she had taken. Even now, remembering that scene instills a fear I have felt few times in the past. Instincts kick in and your body switches into survival mode.
He told me I was selfish for being there. He was angry that I had woken the baby up. He then proceeded to multi-task while I was explaining everything to him -- trying to make him see the dire need for full-time, professional help. My anger was erupting. I left his house near midnight on Friday and spent the next two days exhausted.
On this Monday morning, having finally been able to say the things that needed said in a format where they don't dissolve into thin air, I now await his response with fear. I am afraid that he'll continue to belittle me, or worse -- that he'll want to get together to talk about it. I fear that he believes I have done something wrong. I mostly fear that I will continue to feel like this for even longer than the year it has been since he first showed me his true colors. I do not regret putting my thoughts and feelings onto paper and sending them to him. That fear turned to empowerment, and this new fear will as well. But only after it burns a few calories in the meantime.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Big Hairy Audacious Goals
Ah, New Years Day. A time for reflection and hope. While I'm a big fan of the idea that "hope isn't a strategy," a new year lends itself to look ahead at the opportunities that await us. But I've skipped right over the reflection part, haven't I?
I was contemplating 2009 yesterday and kept returning to the idea that it would be hard to beat. But let me digress for a moment... As I think of it now, 2008 was hard to beat (getting off crutches, running again, getting married, big party for wedding celebration, etc...). But back to 2009. I ended the year with a feeling of complete satisfaction, the way you feel after a good meal -- satiated, but not over-stuffed. As I really thought about the year in its smaller parts, I was surprised. I spent 9 months of the year being pretty much miserable in my job. In January, I "unfriended" someone who I had considered a best friend -- and who was also my boss. My job became a black hole to me and I struggled with some of the feelings I had in high school and college as I figured out what and who were "real" in my life. But alas! None of these things were at the forefront of my mind as I looked at 2009 as a whole. I was able to put that negativity aside and focus on the positive things from the year, and how I had brought those things to myself:
I have said out loud that I have no intention of going back to a desk job just for the sake of having a job. If I find something that I really care about OR if things get really dire for us financially, I'll take a job with "the man." Otherwise, I have my sights set elsewhere:
Number 1 Resolution for 2010:
Write my book
There, I said it. I wrote it down and now I have to do it. I'm working on a plan, and even working on transforming our second bedroom into an "office" with a real desk and everything. I am not scared of failing in terms of not finishing it. I WILL get it done. I am more fearful that it won't turn into anything or that I'll find someone to publish it and it will otherwise be poorly received. The thing I'm trying to focus on is finishing the task that I have said I would do for several years (and finding the positive in how many calories I'm burning in the meantime, just worrying about all this mumbo-jumbo).
Number 2 Resolution for 2010:
Complete the Vineman Half Ironman
Burning calories is what you want? Train for a triathlon, that's what I say! I was surprised at how many calories my body required just to stay nourished when I was training for the Santa Barbara Triathlon last year. The Vineman is a Half Ironman, which will be my longest event to date: 1.2 mile swim + 56 mile bike ride + 13.1 mile run. Greg signed up to do it, and then I was "encouraged" to do it by our friend Mike Kidder when I saw him in Kansas City just before Christmas. I agreed that this will be a good challenge for me and I psyched myself up to do it -- but not psyched enough to actually REGISTER that day (December 18). No, I waited until January 1 and found that the event has filled up and that the wait list closed on December 24. Hmmph!
Mentally preparing for a race like that is difficult. Physically preparing for a race like that is grueling. Worrying how you're going to get a registration ticket for that race is the worst. I was/am all set to find a swim coach to help me with my weakest link. I've been steadily improving my times on the bike and run. I love Kidder and his family, and it would be a great event to do together in Sonoma in July. I just need a ticket!
Happy New Year!
I was contemplating 2009 yesterday and kept returning to the idea that it would be hard to beat. But let me digress for a moment... As I think of it now, 2008 was hard to beat (getting off crutches, running again, getting married, big party for wedding celebration, etc...). But back to 2009. I ended the year with a feeling of complete satisfaction, the way you feel after a good meal -- satiated, but not over-stuffed. As I really thought about the year in its smaller parts, I was surprised. I spent 9 months of the year being pretty much miserable in my job. In January, I "unfriended" someone who I had considered a best friend -- and who was also my boss. My job became a black hole to me and I struggled with some of the feelings I had in high school and college as I figured out what and who were "real" in my life. But alas! None of these things were at the forefront of my mind as I looked at 2009 as a whole. I was able to put that negativity aside and focus on the positive things from the year, and how I had brought those things to myself:
- Instead of continuing to slave away at the job for a man and a company who are going nowhere, I chose to put in my time and focus my efforts elsewhere -- largely my training schedule.
- I chose to not lie to myself, my boss, and everyone else and opted to take control and assume the risk of being Unemployed In This Economy.
- I completed two triathlons, one adventure race, and one half marathon. I was (am?) probably in the best shape of my life at age 34.
- I spent a lot of quality time with my family, making two trips back to the Midwest during the summer and spending a week with them at Christmas.
- I am happily married and I have wonderful friends who know the meaning of the word.
I have said out loud that I have no intention of going back to a desk job just for the sake of having a job. If I find something that I really care about OR if things get really dire for us financially, I'll take a job with "the man." Otherwise, I have my sights set elsewhere:
Number 1 Resolution for 2010:
Write my book
There, I said it. I wrote it down and now I have to do it. I'm working on a plan, and even working on transforming our second bedroom into an "office" with a real desk and everything. I am not scared of failing in terms of not finishing it. I WILL get it done. I am more fearful that it won't turn into anything or that I'll find someone to publish it and it will otherwise be poorly received. The thing I'm trying to focus on is finishing the task that I have said I would do for several years (and finding the positive in how many calories I'm burning in the meantime, just worrying about all this mumbo-jumbo).
Number 2 Resolution for 2010:
Complete the Vineman Half Ironman
Burning calories is what you want? Train for a triathlon, that's what I say! I was surprised at how many calories my body required just to stay nourished when I was training for the Santa Barbara Triathlon last year. The Vineman is a Half Ironman, which will be my longest event to date: 1.2 mile swim + 56 mile bike ride + 13.1 mile run. Greg signed up to do it, and then I was "encouraged" to do it by our friend Mike Kidder when I saw him in Kansas City just before Christmas. I agreed that this will be a good challenge for me and I psyched myself up to do it -- but not psyched enough to actually REGISTER that day (December 18). No, I waited until January 1 and found that the event has filled up and that the wait list closed on December 24. Hmmph!
Mentally preparing for a race like that is difficult. Physically preparing for a race like that is grueling. Worrying how you're going to get a registration ticket for that race is the worst. I was/am all set to find a swim coach to help me with my weakest link. I've been steadily improving my times on the bike and run. I love Kidder and his family, and it would be a great event to do together in Sonoma in July. I just need a ticket!
Happy New Year!
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